Daniel Bass

Daniel Bass: Twitter Updates for 2012-05-20

admin — Sun, 20 May 2012 18:04:00 +0000

@FranGillespie: I'm on a bus with the real who's who of the bus scene: girl w/eczema, man quietly rapping to himself, someone eating ribs. #
Take away from today's sermon…a mission requires being obedient to God. Doesn't have to involve traveling the globe to wrestle monkeys. #
A community is created by a shared purpose. (@ Conduit Church) http://t.co/tg3qZtbC #
@NowImworried: Now I’m worried that some squirrels will scamper across my roof & cause it to cave in & there’ll be squirrels in my bed. #
@KenJennings: Obituaries should say how close the dead person was to a free sandwich on all their punch cards. #
@hereinid: Whoops. Forgot about Google Plus again. #
@michaelianblack: 99% of you did not do as much mulching as I did today. I am the 1%. #
@rneighbors: God loves me even when I don't forward those chain letters. #
@9to5Life: Normal Friday, probably just gonna have a beer, hang out and rant on some Fraggle Rock message boards tonight. #
@Leemanish: Interests include: repeatedly saying the phrase 'perfectly legal' in a thick Irish accent. #
@SeanBlazed: Never wear a shirt you can't rip off in a sudden rage. #
@vladchoc: Hard to believe that there are still tribes in remote parts of the world that haven't seen any of the Naked Gun movies yet. #
Davin Gets His Pre-K Diploma http://t.co/yfxisy7s #
@Leemanish: If you're in L.A., don't bother going to the Walgreens on Wilshire – nobody there wants any chili. #
He's not just a spokesperson…he's also a client. [pic]: http://t.co/QRrvXhYi #
@nedroid: Why did I pay extra for the kind of ceiling fans that can decapitate a person, why was that even an option?! #
@vladchoc: One day I hope to have the self esteem required to make a double-decker sandwich for myself as a snack. #
@blackbeltjonz: Johnny Cash probably went through a lot of lint rollers. #
@eddiepepitone: to do list: 1) smile at psychopaths I work with. 2) strain yogurt for Det. Smith. 3) slowly, ever so slowly, love myself. #
@sweet_toof: My passions include pumpernickel muffins, my Firebird, and enunciating the h in front of w in words like 'white' and 'whiz.' #
@ChrisRRegan: What's the proper "resting" period after you remove the hot dogs from the boiling water? (Also, please DM wine pairings.) #
Do need a large amount of mulch blown quickly? Call Sunrise of Nashville. No one blows mulch faster. [pic]: http://t.co/NyMRAOBq #
@vladchoc: If this $16.99 collection of greatest hits from the past four decades doesn't make me happy nothing will. #
@9to5Life: If your name starts with the letter T, there's a good chance you've unfriended me for calling you "T-Bone" a bazillion times. #
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who (cont) http://t.co/VdxQ0pOe #
@vladchoc: Lowered my meds, looking through old yearbooks. Don't remember graduating with so many pasta dishes. These might be cookbooks. #
Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the bosom of fools. Ecclesiastes 7:9 #
@ToastyQuixote: I'd probably be teaching at Harvard by now if my mom had chosen to plan out my activities with the Mini Wheats guy. #
@biorhythmist: I joke around on here a lot but I am just a regular guy with feelings, flaws, fins, flippers and a blowhole. #
@MrGeorgeWallace: Gotta stop sleepin' w/ the TV on. Last night had a dream about meerkats runnin' a pawn shop w/ the Real Housewives of NJ. #
@vladchoc: My 1st thought this morning was of a frog & a cat, both with sexy six pack abs, so no. I don't need drugs to have a good time. #
@UNTRESOR: Ugh. I've gotta put on 10 more pounds if I'm gonna make banana hammock weight this season. #
@OuterJohn: "Finally, add a dash of safron, a slice of lemon, empty dish in trash, & toss trash bag in the yard. Serves 8" -raccoon recipe #
That's my girl! Cayton received an award for her participation in Chorus. (@ Spring Hill Elementary School) [pic]: http://t.co/MbrYctIq #
For his anger is but for a moment, & his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes w/ the morning. Psalm 30:5 #
@RowdyPrimate: I have pretty high hopes for my "Days Without Accident" line of men's underwear. Should be another Kickstarter success story. #
@actionstern: So a doggy day care center isn't a day care center run by dogs? I better get my nephew back. #
@jonathan_katz: A new breakfast cereal – Post apocalyptics with raisins. #
@trumpetcake: Sitting atop a crane, reading Are You My Mother? through a megaphone. Gonna be a peach of a day! #
@DennisDMZ: I'm trying to get into the Ranger-Devil game and guess who I saw outside the Garden scalping tickets? Elizabeth Warren! #
@RowdyPrimate: Whatever doesn't kill you regrets not finishing the job for years afterward. #
@tomwilliamsisme: 'How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.' #
@CarlyCastle: Every time I log onto Twitter I whisper "Hey, weirdos." #
@michaelianblack: Whole milk strains the same through pantyhose as skim milk. #
@StevenAmiri: Guy Fieri seems a lot more mellow since leaving Insane Clown Posse. #
@NowImworried: Now I'm worried that thanks to the Time Magazine cover kids will be breast fed until they're eleven. #
@sweet_toof: "Maybe if I got in shape, chicks would think I'm hot," I think, as I reach for an itch in the upper patch of my back hair. #
@mattob34: Travolta's camp slams the allegations, calling them "a complete fiction and fabrication." But enough about Scientology… #
@PaulAldrichNow: …and Moses said unto the burning bush, "Here, I Am." And the bush said unto Moses, "How did you know my name?" #

Daniel Bass: Twitter Updates for 2012-05-13

admin — Sun, 13 May 2012 18:04:00 +0000

@Hadzilla: I got my mom "me not being in prison" for Mother's Day. #
@meganamram: 5 out of 5 dentists agree, I should stop pretending to be a dentist at this dentist office. #
@eddiepepitone: The perfect time to scream "Fire" is when you wake up before that first cup of coffee. Namaste. #
@mattob34: Really not looking forward to the cover of Time Magazine's Father's Day issue. #
@richmckay: Scanning cans of chili at the grocery is probably the least exciting use of lasers we could've imagined when we were kids. #
@hereinid: Now that I think about it,"Hey Dude! Let's Surf the Web!" isn't the best name for my next Ted talk. #
@eddiepepitone: to do list: 1) inch closer to the phone to call police. 2) bury Al with new shovel. 3) sigh loudly for attention. #
@MrGeorgeWallace: If I ever find the person who puts those stickers on my fruit. They're going down. #
@OuterJohn: I'd say the best way to rip off a Band-Aid is quickly, by selling it a broken DVD player. #
Fine-tuning Nanotech to Target Cancer http://t.co/cKqwG5V7 #
@michaelianblack: Wake me when male ponytails are back in fashion. I don't want to live until that day. #
@hereinid: When you go to bed tonight say a little prayer for all the people still planking out there. #
How to Engage Your Customers and Employees http://t.co/tzvbHx38 #
@NotMarkMangino: When this van is a rockin….I can't get out of the driver's seat!! #
Foursquare looks to personalized coupons to generate revenue http://t.co/hUVkSKfD #
5 Steps CMOs Can Take To Make Social Media Work
http://t.co/VB02okAx #
5 Steps CMOs Can Take To Make Social Media Work http://t.co/VB02okAx #
@FranGillespie: Did you know you can refuse a ticket if the cop is wearing a pea coat? #
@trumpetcake: Me and my jaywalking gang went wild last night. AND WE'RE STILL ON THE LOOSE!! #
@DoubleBerg426: Halfway through the bag of chips, I wipe my greasy hand on my shirt and mutter, "I'm a princess." #
@trumpetcake: Whenever my wife calls me childish I just rock faster on my hobby horse until she goes away. #
@CarlyCastle: "You bought a shovel? But I dig holes for you. OMG are we breaking up? I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING." — My dog #
@trumpetcake: I swam with the dolphins yesterday. Now my above ground pool is ruined. #
@karencreets: If I was a super hero I'd be Lord of the snacks and I'd beat perpetrators with sausage nunchucks. #
@DonSchanke: Either I'm really out of shape or they've made tricycles much more difficult to ride. #
@Burgee66: I read that Gold's Gym opened up a location in Cuba. I'd hate to see the line for the rowing machine. #
@CarlyCastle: We run full speed ahead as the ice cream truck drives away. One you trips & falls. I shout "LEAVE HER!!" & keep running. #
RT If you've come close to getting into a fist fight w/ a Russian super-model over the correct lyrics to 'The Humpty Dance'. #
@karencreets: We got a new mail guy today so I'm anxiously awaiting asking him, "does this smell like anthrax to you?" #
@iRobulous: I would get into a knife fight for a Kit Kat bar. #
@DonSchanke: My dog reminds me of a bean bag chair that's really into food. #
@Midgetspar: If you love watching competitive sports, tape $5 bills to 100 Frisbee's and start tossing them under a bridge. #
Claiming that you told folks you're a Native American to make friends was dumb, but..this..is..priceless…http://bit.ly/JesJ9J #

Daniel Bass: Twitter Updates for 2012-05-06

admin — Sun, 06 May 2012 18:04:00 +0000

@actionstern: I don't forgive, but I do forget and I do forgive. #
@actionstern: I can't believe the bank rejected the payment for my student loans. Those were my best Snapple caps. #
RT This if you're living proof that FBI profilers are sometimes wrong. #
@gavinspeiller: I bit the hand that feeds me. It was my own hand and it hurt. I feel stupid. #
RT This if you're living proof that sometimes U.S. Marshalls don't check every hen house, dog house, out house…etc. #
@actionstern: If Stephen Hawking opened a jar of pickles right now, it would be the most amazing thing he ever did. #
@THEGaryBusey: 5 parts of my brain contain alien power, whatever I do or say cannot be denied on the intergalactic highway of existence. #
RT @MrGeorgeWallace: Saturday night, y'all. Is it alright for fighting? Is it live? Is in another Saturday night and you ain't got nobody? #
@RickyCarmona: I just talked to all of your moms. They said stop shaking what they gave you. Stop. #
"The goal is not simply to connect these 4 'chips'…" http://t.co/EzNmuGGk #
But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. Psalm 3:3 #
@haurdCider: we've secretly replaced the parachute with skittles… #
@hereinid: I hate to spring this on you but you signed on to be my army when you followed me. And we're invading Malta, like…now. #
And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Col. 3:17 #
RT @DanHannanMEP: 'Summum ius summa iniuria.' More law, less justice. Cicero #
RT @BorowitzReport: The best way to support our troops in Afghanistan would be to bring them home from Afghanistan. #
We'll be there till 2024!? – http://t.co/aB2rgx7X #
RT @DennisDMZ: Elizabeth Warren is part Indian in the same way that the stripper chick who accepted Brando's Oscar was Sacagawea. #
RT @gnomesdeplume: Anyone want to guess how much this emergency trip to the vet is going to cost? Winner gets a cat. #
And now…Florist Humor: http://t.co/f1i3FwvV #
"It's what we do…" http://t.co/iRanCb3i #
And I check the African American Box hoping to get invited to BBQs – http://t.co/Zqztt9tT #
RT @daveanthony: Is it called "Four Bankruptcies?" RT @realDonaldTrump: A great video of the launch of my new fragrance http://t.co/mdOMYVGU #
Whoops – http://t.co/tKdh5mKx #
RT @AlisonAgosti: When choosing the right online school for you, watch their commercials and make sure you like their raps about education. #
RT @CarlyCastle: The shoe on the side of the road screams "YOU'VE NEVER PARTIED THIS HARD." #
Do you know what your pickle is…? http://t.co/9071i97a #
RT @ConanOBrien: Fool me once, shame on my personal fool-stopper, Reginald. #
RT @MmeSurly: This tea is so sweet that it just knit each of my individual teeth its own little sweater. #
RT @badbanana: Reading about the Senate's $11B bailout of the postal service. If this was 1991, I'd write an angry letter to someone. #
RT @meganamram: I try not to beat live horses, either #
RT @whatsucksblog: "I think Hitler said it best when he…" – the start of either the worst, or best wedding toast ever. #
RT @DennisDMZ: I don't trust countries where they crowd surf the coffin at funerals. #
RT @9to5Life: Did you know that every single Dave Matthews song is actually about Crystal Pepsi? Makes sense now, right? #
RT @ConanOBrien: Why are people so impressed by wine cellars but so saddened by my Jagermeister crawlspace? #
RT @CarlyCastle: In the Home Depot parking lot, standing on top of all this dirt I just bought & shouting "THIS IS MY LAND." #
Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but (cont) http://t.co/bMUtp9Vo #
RT @MmeSurly: Just saw a lone chicken bookin' it down a country road. Today is MAGIC. #
RT @eddiepepitone: signs that things aren't going well- 1) your back is used as a surface to forge documents. 2) you ring bells & giggle. #
RT @DennisDMZ: I just saw Gore say he will not rest until he perfects an eco-friendly napalm. #
RT @CarlyCastle: My dog runs in slow motion towards the kitchen & yells "NOOOOOO!" as I toss a burrito into the garbage can. #
This news link null was sent from a friend.
Download Free Drudge Report from Android Market #
RT @eddiepepitone: to do list: 1) rummage through blood bank receipts. 2) corner Mike and demand retribution. 3) file income tax for 1967. #
Ron Paul supporters disseminate 'caucus voter guide' to guide votes his way… http://t.co/KTdJmn8Q #
Anyone know of a Dry-Cleaner that remove expolded Meth Lab stains? http://t.co/IcJJFzGn #
It's funny how dried mangos & peaches taste like…ugh, yuck…what is this shampoo? Yup. Shampoo. #
I'm thinking about getting a tattoo…what is the Chinese symbol for 'embalming fluid'? #
Hockey Facts: Five out of every six players inducted into the NHL Hall of Fame are vampires. #
RT @OhhMikee: I've been cleaning my house for about the last hour, but all I think I accomplished was inhaling a dangerous amount of bleach. #
RT @NowImworried: Now I'm worried that the arugula in my salad is poison ivy. #
Hockey Facts: NHL coaches are required to fashion their own undergarments from bubble wrap & bee's wax. #

Daniel Bass: Twitter Updates for 2012-04-29

admin — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 18:04:00 +0000

@meganamram: How do they fit so many islands into such a small bottle of dressing??!! #
RT @badbanana: Good luck convincing me you care about privacy, Capital One, when your tagline is “What’s in your wallet?” #
@RowdyPrimate: Middle age is a punishment that doesn’t fit the crime. #
RT @9to5Life: I’ve been rubbing this toner cartridge on my stomach for three hours and I still don’t have six-pack abs. #
RT @Chelsea_Elle: If anyone wants to spend tonight making whimsically unrealistic business plans that will never be realized, hit me up. #
Hockey Facts: Most NHL Players become eligible for Social Security benefits midway through their rookie seasons. #
RT @AMNelson999: Drinking tea out of a Christmas themed mug in April, in case society was wondering what I thought of its “rules.” #
Hockey Facts: The 1st NHL season is scheduled to conclude in the year 2023. #
The TSA…keeping America safe from crying 4 yr. old girls since 2008 – http://t.co/L7bqyI6g #
Now I’m worried that leaving loose change on my nightstand will make my wife think that I’m calling her a prostitute. #
RT @jonathan_katz: We will probably never know the whole story about Amelia Earhart and Dick Clark. #
Hockey Facts: The average NHL team plays between 1,500 & 45,000 games per year…and that’s just in the post season. #
RT @cocakoehler: How many calories in an ashtray? (Full) #
“Being a drug mule for Wynonna Judd was the zenith of my drug mule’n career” – Excerpt from ‘Diary of a Music City Drug Mule’ #
RT @badbanana: Chess pieces and pennies in a bowl of human hair. Part of an unbalanced breakfast. #
RT @usedwigs: Some people really like the smell of Mulch but I think it’s pretty much the worst cologne I ever bought. #
@OuterJohn: There is no sound more beautiful than a child’s laughter (when he or she discovers a diamond in my diamond mine) #
RT @DennisDMZ: Iran claims they’ve managed to copy the U.S. drone that they captured. I think they meant they “traced” it. #
RT @WadetoBlack: Joe Biden must love the last day of the NFL draft because then someone else gets the nickname “Mr. Irrelevant.” #
Remembering the wise words of my grammar teacher who said, “Don’t believe no jive turkey that say school talkin ain’t real…dig it!” #
I can’t see anyone buying these. http://t.co/3s4XmopD #
RT @9to5Life: I make entirely too much eye contact with other drivers when any Dr. Dre song comes on. #
RT @DonRickles: The pat down at the airport is necessary, but asking me where I buy my underwear is pushing it #
@CarlyCastle: You can lint roll a rabbit for, like, forever. #
@GOPrincess I’m going to vote for Ron Paul regardless of who the GOP nominates. What I won’t do is support a big government stooge. in reply to GOPrincess #
RT @kristygee: I’ll buy an electric car as soon as they figure out how to power it with lightening bolts that shoot out of my fingertips. #
This is about Constitutional Government vs. Big Government…it’s Ron Paul vs. a political machine that has run amok. http://t.co/LQ7uZ6Tj #
Sign that things aren’t going well: Your online resume is just a looped audio file of Phil Collins singing ‘Take a look at me now’. #
Call ahead and get 10% off your Quiznos order…cool! 615.599.3077 (@ MAPCO Mart / Quiznos) http://t.co/YjJ6mzF0 #
RT @maxsilvestri: I am at my least sincere when I say “wow” after trying a free sample at the grocery store. #
RT @kristygee: Just googled “does standing burn calories?” in case your wondering about my fitness regimen. #
RT @DonRickles: I ride my recumbent bike every day – I should reach Rome by Thursday! #
RT @Erik_Bergstrom: Did you know that the song “Eye of the Tiger” is about the main ingredient in Chinese boner pills? #
RT @kelseyhford: I met multiple Kia dealers today and honestly, their lives aren’t as glamorous as you would think. #
RT @DonRickles: I loved Frank Sinatra, he used to slap me to relax #
Did you know that ‘James Polk’ is an anagram for ‘bowel implosion’? And..I don’t know what anagrams are. [Takes another pull on hip flask] #
@CarlyCastle: I buy cauliflower just so I can open the fridge several times a day & tell it how much it sucks. #
What if, after the first Atomic Bomb test, J. Robert Oppenheimer had said “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of elastic waistbands!” #
@IamEnidColeslaw: Wearing leather underpants. No big deal. #
You know why no one says that Algebra is their favorite subject? Because no one ever drops acid with their Algebra teacher. #
Do you collect Hummel Figurines? If so…we cannot be friends. #
@Ethan_Booker: Why don’t more guys just pick up the puck and run with it? #hockeyidea #
A man driving alone through a pasture. Another man alone on a sailboat. Do the people who make Viagra ads know what it does? #
The X-Ray Eyes of Texas are upon you…http://bit.ly/JmcETd #
RT @NowImworried: Now I’m worried that I’m a candidate for being car-jacked because I just got my Saturn waxed. #
@IamEnidColeslaw: Let’s eat cupcakes until we can’t feel our feelings! #
@badbanana: Spent the morning pointing at the ground to raise awareness of the Earth. #
RT @sweet_toof: My insomnia isn’t as bad since I moved the cotton candy machine out of my bed. #
RT @9to5Life: For a little fun, try wearing a tuxedo on a plane while staring at a wedding ring and sobbing. You’ll get so many free drinks. #
RT @MrGeorgeWallace: You never hear about all the real nice piranha, who have families and jobs and just handle their business. #

Daniel Bass: Twitter Updates for 2012-04-22

admin — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 18:04:00 +0000

RT @_PartySmasher: I just want to earn enough money to be able to put a leather jacket on a killer whale. #
RT @HotEats: Feed a cold. Starve a fever. Emotionally-neglect a headache. Buy corduroys instead of cool school clothes for a stomach virus. #
RT @FranGillespie: Every time my foot falls asleep I know Sylvester Stallone is planning a comeback. #
RT @OuterJohn: ALWAYS follow your dreams, but wait until your dreams enter a dimly-lit parking garage before attacking. #
RT @NowImworried: Now I’m worried that someone in Pippa Middleton’s carpool will shoot me. #
RT @wheatnik: If you aren’t serenading your dog with “Rio” by Duran Duran every day, then why even bother owning one? #
Whoever said, “I’ve got the world on a string” knew nothing of astronomy, geography, physics, or even what string actually does. #
Hot buttered popcorn on a salad!? Science said it couldn’t be done. Well…I just slapped science in the mouth. #
Shout out to Pepperidge Farm for always remembering stuff. Let’s start giving whatever they put in those cookies to Alzheimer’s patients. #
RT @OuterJohn: EVERY game becomes a game of hide-and-seek when the stabbing begins! #
RT @MrGeorgeWallace: I have a lot of cats that I keep at my friends’ houses for their entire lives. #
@shinyunicorn: To me there’s an uncrossable divide between the people who will eat a pop tart, & the people who will eat a cold pop tart. #
@campsucks: What if Jessica Simpson just never has that baby? #
“It never got weird enough for me.” HST (@ Pancake Pantry w/ 6 others) [pic]: http://t.co/xMihA2ze #
@lenadunham: Wearing loafers with your workout clothes is a great way of saying I’M NOT LIKE THE OTHERS! #
@itStewieGriffin: Airlines have now banned tweezers I think anyone who can hijack a plane with tweezers deserves the plane…. #
God bless the valets. (@ Vanderbilt University Medical Center w/ 5 others) http://t.co/XjoZGirx #
@abasketofcraig: Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination. #
@MrGeorgeWallace: It just feels like folks are laughin’ at my pajama jeans. #
RT @badbanana: Like candid wedding shots but can’t afford a photographer? Tape a camera to a Roomba. #
RT @richmckay: I love sweatpants. They’re like giant napkins that you can wear. #
RT @NowImworried: Now I’m worried that my glands are different sizes. #
RT @wheatnik: What’s stopping us from dressing blind people in cat costumes and little top hats? #
RT @wheatnik: I tuck my t-shirt into my pajama bottoms when I go to Walmart because even a man of leisure should dress like a gentleman. #
RT @Hadzilla: Does hallmark make a card that says I told you I had a bat problem sorry your kid got rabies? #
RT @badbanana: Saw a dude rocking a mafia mullet. Legitimate business in the front, shady operation in the back. #
RT @NowImworried: Now I’m worried that the bump I just hit when I was driving was a person and I am inadvertently committing a hit and run. #
RT @badbanana: Life-threatening storm heading this way. If I don’t survive, know I died doing what I love (hiding in the basement.) #
RT @jenstatsky: Throw someone under the bus? No thanks — I’ll just lightly push them in front of it and let the bus take it from there. #
RT @anjeanettec: The Statue of Liberty would better represent what we stand for if she replaced her torch with cheesy potatoes. #
RT @meganamram: I had this signal in college: if there was a sock on the door, it meant I forgot how to put on socks #
RT @gavinspeiller: I feel like a lot of people don’t realize just how many legal precedents were set by Alien vs Predator. #
RT @CarlyCastle: People are at their most presumptuous when you knock on their door holding balloons & a giant cardboard check. #
RT @badbanana: Almost used my t-shirt pocket just now. #
Here is an example of my brilliance: Get those freaks in Georgia to whip up a batch of Peach Flavored Coke Zero. You’re welcome humanity. #
I’m from Lake Jackson, TX … Home of Ron Paul and streets that end in the word ‘Way’ http://t.co/V725Cy4b #
What? RT @JoseCanseco: Because we don’t recycle and consume like crazy icicles are non existent. Titanic wouldve still existed today #
@KevinYeaux In Chemistry? My guess is that you’ll be forming very close bonds. in reply to KevinYeaux #
RT @ConanOBrien: Looks like I’m getting back one chicken leg and 4 golden Sacagawea coins. I probably shouldn’t do my own taxes. #
Hey @ginny_moore … I’ll see you here at 2p. (@ Premier Companies Inc.) http://t.co/cdljULYq #
RT @RexHuppke: There’s no way I can support a president who makes Ted Nugent this angry. #
RT @RealGilbert: With his parole coming up, Charles Manon’s thinking “Gee, maybe the swastika tattoo on the forehead was a stupid idea” #
RT @denisleary: Here’s the thing about Fidel Castro – he still has a better fastball than half of the Red Sox bullpen. #
@M_Hedberg: What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you’re feeling sick but sociable. #
RT @ConanOBrien: Tax question: Is it technically considered cheating if you claim your 5.4 million Twitter followers as dependents? #
@eddiepepitone: signs that things aren’t going well- 1) you eat in MRI machines. 2) Send In The Clowns plays on a loop at your office. #
@9to5Life: You guys should see how hard I’m working at pretending to be working. This dedication to evasion is super exhausting. #
I’m no Dian Fossey but I don’t think Bear was BJ Mckay’s best friend. Bear was more of an Enabler than a friend. #
Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. 2 Corinthians 9:7 #
It’s been Murfreesboro…see you next week! (@ Murfreesboro, TN) http://t.co/bkkXnV5o #

Daniel Bass: Twitter Updates for 2012-04-15

admin — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 18:04:00 +0000

@MrGeorgeWallace: I’m not gonna laugh at North Korea y’all. When my rocket falls apart mid-flight it’s a horrible feeling. #
Like Zorro I mark my vanguished opponents with a ‘Z’…unlike Zorro I use my teeth instead of a sword. #
@BillSleazy: the pockets of my cargo shorts contain smaller, more annoying pairs of cargo shorts. #
@MrGeorgeWallace: “I have no idea, Officer. I brought her some Calgon. Then she just vanished.” #
@eddiepepitone: to do list: 1) pry gun out of cold dead hands. 2) teach little timmy dance moves so he can eat. 3) cry in yoga class. #
Joe Biden…a sexy man doing sexy things…earned $21,000 last year from the Secret Service – http://t.co/zDw2QVHg #
@M_Hedberg: I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. #
What does the Internet think about Barack Obama? http://t.co/JcDptQF9 #
A Super Easy Way To Win A Government Contract…Learn More: http://t.co/VDlZs4GGDownload Free Drudge Report from Android Market #
Yes, there has been lots of financial setbacks in the news lately but at least we still lead the world in this: http://t.co/JnLUwKvd #
What does the Internet think about Ron Paul? http://t.co/8ZLweeMY #
Lesson: If your Ex-Girlfriend scream at you to call the police…CALL THE POLICE! http://t.co/e8kFUBvo #
Romanian police baffled after mystery toilet appears as if from nowhere http://t.co/xACzgBEs #
Mayor’s “courtesy charter” also urges them to wash hands before meals, to avoid touching their genitals or… http://t.co/rlvj3Roe #
Champion gravy wrestler suffered serious eye damage after being hit in the face with a monkey wrench. http://t.co/sDAdcOoF #
Next Easter the Bunny strikes back! http://t.co/zADoSBTm #
Least important detail: “..the rest of the book is made of hemp materials.” http://t.co/730msUaH #
Have you encountered a “Pierrot de la Nuit,” or Night Mime? If so, vaccinations are available: http://t.co/sKfmGnHI #
Pay attention Country Music Songwriters…Inspiration can come from anywhere! http://t.co/I3yZKZdY #
Thirsty, deadly stinkers launch attacks from South Dakota to New Mexico! Obama refuses to take action! http://t.co/ifCKJ6Wo #
“The clans won’t stand for it.” http://t.co/1z1sR7xh #
This man may feel like he won the lottery…but he totally did not win the lottery. http://t.co/FPj2Yo6I #
You’re under arrest! Put the Bacon down & put your hands behind your head! – http://t.co/hg0Nvi6y #
@allydepartee So what does @darrentyler schedule look like tomorrow? #
@adjustafresh: I just checked out Google+ for you.
It’s still a bunch of guys talking about Google+ #yourewelcome #
Finish this sentence, “A guy walks into an infusion center…” (@ Vanderbilt Health (One Hundred Oaks)) http://t.co/xX9DDe8v #
Dogs and Fireworks…a match made in heaven: http://t.co/bZLriDFI #
When condiment type substances attack! http://t.co/LwWjQJkv #
Police arrest 6ft Easter bunny after couple mistake statue for a ‘stalker’ http://t.co/8jWeX2LY #
RT @shelbyfero: No matter how many numbers you give them, I will never count eating your food a “meal,” Taco Bell. #
Bats should never meet their heros – Rocker gets rabies shots after bat “squirts a little nervous pee” in his eye. http://t.co/Pdm9NKz6 #
It’s rumored that Joe Biden has already asked them to run his 2016 Presidential Campaign – http://t.co/C9GPvVYB #
@darrentyler @allydepartee It’s Daniel@PremierCompanies.com in reply to darrentyler #
For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” Matthew 18:20 #
Deputies found students having sex in a horse trailer belonging to the Kershaw County Sheriff’s office parking patrol. http://t.co/GV323OTp #
You can bet that if @nflcommish sees this he will be proposing some uniform changes next season. http://t.co/zgEJWFPJ #NFL #
Shout out to janitors that find meth labs in Walmart bathrooms… http://t.co/hylFWxla #
@Andy_Richter: My agent now says the quickest way to get my own TV show would be to move to Arkansas & refurbish pinball machines. #
There are two things that disqualify someone from being listened to… http://t.co/AMM1RtQc #
RT @wheatnik: You guys wouldn’t believe all the majestic pastels people are wearing on their teeth at Walmart today! #
RT @eddiepepitone: to do list: 1) make seviche for little Timmy’s yoga class. 2) honor all that is true. 3) cut off Robert from funds. #
RT @eddiepepitone: bad political slogan- ” Oh my god this looks really bad but I didn’t do it. Please vote for me”. #
RT @badbanana: My back hurts too much to rock. Could someone drive me down to Electric Avenue? I’ll take it from there. #
RT @badbanana: A giraffe in a top hat walks into a bar & orders 6 martinis & shame on you for wanting a punchline. This giraffe needs help. #
RT @badbanana: To paraphrase Mike Tyson, every chocolate bunny looks solid until you punch it in the face. #
RT @NowImworried: Now I’m worried that I’ll forget to let go of the bowling ball and will fling myself down the alley. #
RT @anjeanettec: This is STD awareness month. Or as the Jersey Shore cast calls it, April. #
RT @FranGillespie: The smoothie was invented in 1991 when someone messed up a milkshake. #
RT @mollymcnearney: I don’t go to clubs but I would if there was closed captioning on every conversation at the bar. #
RT @Hadzilla: Facebook acquires old-timey photo studios at Six Flags by trading them the moon. #
I asked Jesus which one I supposed to worship, the bunny or the multi-colored egg. We both had a good laugh. #
Happy Easter Wishes from Davin and Cayton! (@ Old Hickory Tennessee w/ 3 others) [pic]: http://t.co/kMnR2lB2 #

Daniel Bass: Twitter Updates for 2012-04-08

admin — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 18:04:00 +0000

RT @MrGeorgeWallace: Stop clubbin’ those Easter Seals y’all. This is their time. #
RT @perlapell: Don’t be afraid to giggle in church today. God invented joy. Man invented “behaving”. #
RT @GarryShandling: Talking to someone in person, face-to-face, really feels old-school. Especially, when you try to block them. #
RT @HotEats: Call me crazy Alanis but if I had 10,000 spoons I’m not sure needing a knife is my biggest problem. #
RT @MrGeorgeWallace: I’m like ‘Scarface’ but it’s all powdered sugar and I’m very nice. #
RT @mattknudsen: Many people prefer to have me there in spirit instead of showing up live. #
RT @NowImworried: Now I’m worried that a clumsy squirrel will lose his balance and fall out of a tree and land on my new hairdo. #
RT @badbanana: Do I have to learn the ukulele just to make it uncool again and return order to the universe? Because I’ll do it. #
RT @Holidayze: I’m really good at microwaving hot dogs if anyone wants to get married #
RT @MrGeorgeWallace: I don’t know. It just seems like cats are planning somethin’. #
RT @GarryShandling: According to S Hawking there are as many as ten Miss Universes. He and Donald Trump to debate. #
RT @Hadzilla: I could go to college or I could just put syrup on everything I eat and CHANGE THE WORLD #
RT @MrGeorgeWallace: Shout out to wet cleaners, refusin’ to go dry. #
RT @sweet_toof: Ate lunch on the patio today. The wind blew away my side salad one leaf at a time and I just sat there and let it happen. #
@bentonsmusic: I think what I did to get away from that spider this morning could qualify as parkour! #
RT @scullymike: If Clint Eastwood can’t control his wife, what chance do the rest of us have? #
@eddiepepitone: Pride goeth before a fall, aftereth try to look good, maketh like it didn’t happeneth. #
@KimJongNumberUn: Wake up, world: nuclear weapons are about a thousand times less dangerous than cruise ships. #
@StevenAmiri: Now, the Sears Portrait Studio is just a lady with an iPhone telling you to smile. #
@anjeanettec: I’ve never experienced drug withdrawal, but I forgot my chapstick today and have been unraveling ever since. #
@meganamram: “I see people.” – The Fifth Sense #
@badbanana: I’m declaring the Doritos taco shell a success. And the Doritos shotgun shell, an unmitigated disaster. #
@NowImworried: Now I’m worried that my neighbor will dress up as a clown & douse my face with a Seltzer bottle or squirting lapel flower. #
@jenstatsky: All my lowest lows have occurred inside of a FedEx Kinko’s. #
@gavinspeiller: Francis Scott Key never really followed up The Star Spangled Banner with anything. One hit wonders are always kinda sad. #
@FranGillespie: If you are what you eat, then I guess I’m dental floss. #
@johnfreiler: Owww lip gloss is not for eyes why don’t they write that on the label? #
@BillSeaver Hello there Bill Seaver! Did you get my LinkedIn invite? #
@COLINMcCARTHY52 File that under, “Famous Last Words”. in reply to COLINMcCARTHY52 #
@LegerDouzable Welcome to Nashville! Glad to hear that you’ll be playing for the Titans this coming season. in reply to LegerDouzable #
@badbanana: I bet karate experts have a tough time convincing their enemies to lie down flat between two cinder blocks. #
RT @ChelseaVPeretti: There’s a new Italian place that serves gluten-free pasta it’s called Garbaggios #
@eddiepepitone: to do list: 1) rip apart house looking for microfiche of home invasion. 2) teach little Timmy binary fractions. 3) buy egg. #
RT @scullymike: I’m willing to try anything to cure my addiction to hypnosis. #
RT @perlapell: My hair isn’t so much blonde and gray as it’s caked in volcanic “dust” from my science fair project debacle. #
RT @GuyEndoreKaiser: When I was a kid we would catch fireflies in a jar. Then we would eat them. We were super poor. #
RT @DaveChappelle: I can’t think of anything provocative to tweet, and yet, I must continue… Must…keep….tweeting. #
RT @MrGeorgeWallace: Y’all may not believe this, but I knew Tina Turner back when she was a public dancer. #
RT @MaybeNotSteve: It would break my heart if I found out fish and crabs weren’t the best of friends under the ocean. #
RT @RickyCarmona: Guys what song should I sing at the Country Music Awards? Dolly Parton’s “9 to 5″ or Ice Cube’s “Wicked”? #
RT @steveagee: I finally found my keys…while I was flossing #
RT @ChelseaVPeretti: Need a new mattress. Mine is all worn out IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!!!! (2 much flinging myself onto it weeping) #
RT @vladchoc: To be honest, I don’t remember which came first, the trail of mice behind me or my amazing leotarded pipe-jams. #
RT @RickyCarmona: After what happened to Luck I’m really hoping no dragons get hurt on the set of Game of Thrones. #
@robdelaney: I met my first wife at Wrestlemania XVII. #
RT @RickyCarmona: If I worked at a nuclear power plant I would get fired every April Fool’s Day. #
I saw a couple with matching ‘wife-beater’ tank tops strolling through the park…so, I’m pretty sure I was almost mugged. #
Davin prepares to reenact some scenes from ‘Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome’. (@ Harvey Park) [pic]: http://t.co/HFbdxQyt #

Daniel Bass: Twitter Updates for 2012-04-01

admin — Sun, 01 Apr 2012 18:04:00 +0000

I’m at Spring Hill (Spring Hill, Tennessee) http://t.co/PO8eye79 #
Who said parking spaces on campus are hard to find? (@ Middle Tennessee State University w/ 2 others) [pic]: http://t.co/K5hbkSii #
@NowImworried: Now I’m worried that the person dressed in the animal costume at the sports game isn’t getting enough air in there. #
Wrapping up this meeting with the best roofing company in Middle TN…@TimLeeperRoof (@ Tim Leeper Roofing) http://t.co/oPoafRt6 #
ICP made a movie called ‘Big Money Rustlas’…so suck on that James Cameron! #
@KevinYeaux: “Condom-Nation Tour visits Southern University.” First time any condom has ever visited Southern University. #
RT @jenstatsky: Sorry but I think it’s weird that the official slogan for bunk beds is, “Sometimes it’s OK to wake up on top of your sister” #
@douglasbass Loved it. in reply to douglasbass #
@MmeSurly: Anyway, now there is ice cream. Because I rule this house with a tear-streaked iron fist. #
@douglasbass: It’s a very strange conception of federalism that says the Feds can simply give the States an offer that they can’t refuse #
RT @eddiepepitone: to do list: 1) snuff out clowns. 2) make dr. kohn examine me in hall of mirrors. 3) take ferry to hell. #
@OuterJohn: Either I have zero coworkers at the camoflauge factory, or thousands of them. It’s impossible to know. #
RT @eddiepepitone: If you see a composer struggling to finish a symphony please don’t ignore him, at least make eye contact. #
RT @anjeanettec: Just heated up some Taco Bell ‘leftovers.’ This is what happens before people kill themselves, right? #
RT @badbanana: Went on a scavenger hunt. Bagged six scavengers. #
Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be (cont) http://t.co/eKZukbxk #
This place is being robb—no, my bad…it’s just a hoodie-clad dwarf w/a burrito. (@ Daily’s / Shell) http://t.co/d4HXiri5 #
RT @sweet_toof: I wonder what those Guiness Book of World Records fat twins on motorcycles are up to tonight. #
RT @eddiepepitone: I have a feeling that greed and violence will be replaced one day with flute music. #
RT @Hadzilla: Help control the pet population, teach your animals karate. #
RT @9to5Life: I bet people left the Titanic drier than I leave the bathroom after giving my kids a bath. #
RT @wheatnik: You can’t spell “anything” without “letters.” #
RT @johnfreiler: A relationship is like an onion. Eventually a knife comes out, and then the crying starts. #
RT @badbanana: Is it called zerotasking or notasking? I’d look it up, but that kind of defeats what I’m going for here. #
RT @Ethan_Booker: That Coca-Cola soda fountain commercial is basically endorsing you to steal Coke. #
RT @MmeSurly: If you have ever used the word “Upcycled” unironically, we can’t ever be friends. #
SMTU Class is TODAY at 2pm central time! Today’s class covers: 3 Reasons Why Social Media Won’t Work For You, and… http://t.co/GnMd0CHl #
RT @richmckay: Day 1 without caffeine. Shivering nude on bus floor. Crying purple tears. Ate a roll of toilet paper. Is this normal?! #
RT @MrGeorgeWallace: Any of y’all seen that ‘Hungry Game’ yet? #
RT @OuterJohn: Growing up in the circus, you always remember the first time you apply Rogaine to the Bearded Lady’s unconscious face. #
RT @badbanana: My subtle variation on Tebowing involves searing back pain and gentle sobbing while waiting for an ambulance. #
RT @eddiepepitone: So many people have started the song ” I am teapot short and stout…” only to be shot dead. #
RT @sweet_toof: My fitness goal is to improve my physique from ‘Purple Telletubby’ to ‘Green Telletubby.’ #
RT @anjeanettec: Hand sanitizer is really just a gateway drug for OCD. #
Do not give yourselves over to these unnatural men…but rather stand and fight for Liberty! http://t.co/zRhYwnBY #
Global warming: Earth heated up in medieval times without human CO2 emissions – http://t.co/zFEkkDZq #
RT @FranGillespie: It has come to my attention that my indoor voice is the volume and quality of someone teaching a spin class. #
Memo contradicts Jon Corzine testimony – http://t.co/J4lUTiAy #
More flexibility to do what? http://t.co/Y0woS4h9 #
Where everybody knows your name… (@ Marshall County Medical) [pic]: http://t.co/qRoHqNTv #

Daniel Bass: Twitter Updates for 2012-03-25

admin — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 18:04:00 +0000

Obama Tries to Take Both Sides on the Keystone Pipeline Debate http://t.co/qrfA2ixP #
RT @wheatnik: No one sucks at their job more than Tic Tac addicted ninjas. #
RT @NowImworried: Now I’m worried that if I have to give a stranger the Heimlich they’ll sue me for sexual harassment. #
No flash photography please…and…do not feed the animals. (@ Ihop w/ 3 others) [pic]: http://t.co/MQUiFlg6 #
RT @wheatnik: Apparently, bees do not respect the ancient art of karate as much as humans. #
RT @NowImworried: Now I’m worried that my imitation leather shoes are real leather and someone from PETA will throw paint in my face. #
RT @9to5Life: I’m feeling a little bad eating three plates of lasagna while reading The Hunger Games. #
RT @mollymcnearney: If I laughed at half the things your baby laughs at, you’d think I was on drugs. #
RT @meganamram: SIRI, FIND MY SON #
RT @badbanana: Hey, who got into my trail mix and picked out all the donuts and pizza slices? #
RT @80miles: I usually loosen my tie around 5:15pm to let my coworkers know that more ribald behavior is now appropriate. #
RT @FranGillespie: Sometimes I feel pretty well-adjusted, and other times I’m in a women’s locker room. #
RT @NowImworried: Now I’m worried that the person who told that story on NPR that wasn’t true got everyone in trouble. #
RT @80miles: My blood type is coffee! Ha ha ha ha! Hey, I need to borrow a gun for a couple of hours, DM me! #
RT @wheatnik: I come to Twitter to keep my wit sharp on the off chance that I ever make friends with a real human again. #
RT @IHateMattDrufke: For as crap as my day has been, I just saw a fat dude fall over trying to start his motorcycle. #godisreal #
RT @johnfreiler: Overheard outside this closet: “Shh. I think there’s someone in there. I hear breathing, and typing. call the police.” #
RT @denisleary: Satan Manning signs with Denver. Or at least that’s what Tim Tebow told me in prayer circle this morning. #
RT @IHateMattDrufke: Cannot stop reading about this NFL bounty situation. They should’ve realized it when The Saints drafted Boba Fett. #
@MrGeorgeWallace: It just feels like wearin’ this zebra-print tankini to brunch was a bad idea. #
@murderofbananas: I’ll bet disciples fake sneezed all the time so they’d get extra blessings from Jesus. #
@splendidly_dull: All my siblings brought their spouses and children to this family gathering. I brought beer and Oreos. Same thing. #
@chopper4jk: It’s so cute how cops ask if you’ve had anything to drink, like they don’t see your car is upside-down. #
@vonbunnie: I can’t help but hum the beginning of the Bee Gees “Stayin’ Alive” when I see pigeons bobbing their heads while walking. #
@Ruth_A_Buzzi: My ex-husband was banned from playing paintball, because, apparently, you can’t stab people to save ammo. #
@FranGillespie: I took Hydroxycut one time in 2002 and now my legs get sore every time Linkin Park discusses going on tour. #
The Lord is far from the wicked, but he hears the prayer of the righteous. Proverbs 15:29 #
RT @GreenishDuck: “What’s your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow?” I asked my cat Gloria without looking up from my phone. #
RT @vladchoc: My favourite part in UB40′s Red Red Wine is when that guy mumbles about choking monkeys for what feels like hours. #
RT @ritasmitherbean: New donut filling: rage #
RT @lazerdoov: Might eat a whole box of ice cream sandwiches while I stare at my family through the crack of the bathroom door. #
RT @Leemanish: You don’t kick a man when he’s down – whereas, asking for a horsey ride is more of a gray area. #
RT @badbanana: Email and social media only go so far. Today, pick up the phone and call a brand you love. #
RT @GreenishDuck: One cool thing about playing basketball with some dogs is dunking on them while they frantically chase you around barking. #
RT @meganamram: At Starbucks, it’s so funny that the coffee is five dollars while the napkin dispensers are free! #
RT @NowImworried: Now I’m worried because I just read on AOL that there are health benefits to crying and I haven’t cried in a while. #
RT @KenJennings: “Pork: the other white meat” is a good example of an ad slogan that really suffers without the colon. #
RT @IanWearsPants: I never know what to say to pretty women so I usually just start talking about Magic: The Gathering. #
RT @CarlyCastle: I spent today like I spend most holidays: Being chased through the city by cops then taking cover in a passing parade. #
Parent Teacher Joust…there can be only one! (@ Spring Hill Elementary School) http://t.co/mRHjoH2E #
RT @Butchhuff: Somewhere in California, Bob Barker is on a walker screaming “come on down” to his cat in a tree… #
@OuterJohn: Saying you’re “holding” me hostage and then refusing to hold me really adds insult to injury, Ahmed. #
@Michaeljrcomedy: I slipped in the tub once & went all the way under, so I know I’m going to heaven. #ThatAintTheBibleFOOL #
@Michaeljrcomedy: God so loved the world that he gave us money to buy the things we like. #ThatAintTheBibleFOOL John 3:16 #
@rneighbors: I’m in an “open relationship” with eating healthy. #
@BillMc7: Fun Fact: If you’ve ever bought anything from The Franklin Mint, you’re what’s wrong with America. #
RT @ChaseMit: Would it have killed Dos Equis to find a guy who always drinks beer? #
RT @hairicaaa: Still haven’t gone a day without hearing an enthusiastic statement containing the words “meatball marinara.” #

Daniel Bass: Twitter Updates for 2012-03-18

admin — Sun, 18 Mar 2012 18:04:00 +0000

RT @sgavinesq: Who does depression hurt? Not Gary at my old job. He used to sell Wellbutrin from his cubicle for $5/pill. #
When we slum it in sin…our children pay the price right along side us. (@ Conduit Church) http://t.co/CXmd3v1k #
@nickmangold Do you ever look at a QB’s knuckles & think, “Gross…I wouldn’t want those pressed against my butt.”? in reply to nickmangold #
RT @Kpartyawesome: Thankful for the powerful ways in which I’m learning I have an anger problem #
RT @Squirreljustice: Having a hard time falling asleep so maybe I’ll try counting all the times I’ve been forcibly removed from Big Lots. #
RT @fleshcake: New energy drink idea: one of the guys from ICP throws a wolverine at you. #
RT @matthewdolkart: It’s a good thing I remembered to check my pockets before putting my jeans in the wash or these pancakes would be gross. #
RT @benholschuh: Why is it that narco-ballads must always be played at blast levels? #
RT @thehuli: Obama’s 2012 campaign is watching you http://t.co/egyn21uD #tcot #tlot #thl #
RT @karlhess: C’mon, leaf blower guy! Don’t you think it’s a little ea- [checks clock] …carry on. #
RT @benholschuh: Your remembering my name and saying it extra loud makes me feel extra bad for not remembering yours. #
RT @Molly_Kats: You’re supposed to put your best foot forward on job interviews, which is hard for me since mine is usually in my mouth. #
RT @Leemanish: Though his parents had pushed hard for law school, Steven followed his heart, and set their house on fire. #
RT @Squirreljustice: Thought I caught a leprechaun this morning, but it was just David Archuletta thrashing around in my garbage cans again. #
RT @IamEnidColeslaw: Jury duty? The last time I served, I got crabs. Nice try, Obama. #
RT @ThePatrickBauer: I would definitely help a terminally ill friend with euthanasia. Hence, the giant slingshot. #
RT @Rosenthaltweets: Aaron Sorkin should write a movie about the extraordinary decision to make taco shells out of Doritos. #
RT @ThisIsSethsBlog: Seth’s Blog: Learning from four viral events http://t.co/BqZxPRrQ #
RT @ThomasSowell: “Economic policies need to be analyzed in terms of the incentives they create, rather than the hopes that inspired them.” #
RT @SteveHofstetter: Romney said losing would “take an act of god” – which is true. If Romney lost, I’d certainly thank God. #
RT @ThisIsSethsBlog: Seth’s Blog: The mathematical impossibility of universal delight http://t.co/qaK9CD4q #
RT @ThomasSowell: “It is so easy to be wrong—and to persist in being wrong—when the costs of being wrong are paid by others.” #
RT @eddiepepitone: signs that things aren’t going well- 1) your smoking jacket is burning. 2) you stare at the moon competitively. #
RT @MrGeorgeWallace: It just feels like folks are makin’ fun of my clip-on ponytail. #
RT @StevenAmiri: The number one reason most other countries hate us is squeezeable mayo. #
RT @drjubenville: Was it a dream or real? I just ate at a full service Chick fil A called The Dwarf House #Googleit #
RT @nealbrennan: The person who invents monkey pants that fit without suspenders is gonna make hundreds of dollars. #
RT @MrGeorgeWallace: Are we all just gonna sit around and let them keep makin’ chilled soups? #
RT @OuterJohn: When the Oompa Loompa slipped four Ring-Pops on each orange fist, I knew I was in for a dirty but EXTREMELY yummy fist fight. #
@billhamp I sent you a note to your Facebook acct. Let’s get together soon. #
@eddiepepitone: When I was a little boy I knew the right thing to do was cry and eat. #
@badbanana: We have enough breakfast items for the toaster now, food scientists. Move on to the car heater vent. #
I’m at Franklin, TN (Franklin, TN) http://t.co/blQSiwlA #
@Andy_Richter: Our new evil clown butler is not working out. #
@anjeanettec: I don’t even want to know how many nude pics Donald Trump’s cell phone must have of him. #
@hereinid: Oh, NOW I get what’s going on in the Middle East. Thanks, Pinterest! #
@THEGaryBusey: When you run faster than the speed of light you’ll be able to catch me. #
@BlitznBeans: Not to brag but I’ve been trying to get out of the Whole Foods parking lot since Tuesday. #
@UnvirtuousAbbey: Lord, you who cursed the fig tree and cast out demons into pigs, we give thanks for Maple bacon. Amen. #
I see dead people…voting! http://t.co/UQUTRBxS #
@LivingHappiness: So Jesus took the bread and broke it and, having given it to his disciples, one of them asked, “Is this gluten-free?” #
@Hadzilla: If your hotel advertises free HBO, you can buy street drugs from a vending machine on the 2nd floor. #
@NowImworried: Now I’m worried that I’ll have to call a handyman to get my roll of scotch tape started. #