• @FranGillespie: I'm on a bus with the real who's who of the bus scene: girl w/eczema, man quietly rapping to himself, someone eating ribs. #
• Take away from today's sermon…a mission requires being obedient to God. Doesn't have to involve traveling the globe to wrestle monkeys. #
• A community is created by a shared purpose. (@ Conduit Church) http://t.co/tg3qZtbC #
• @NowImworried: Now I’m worried that some squirrels will scamper across my roof & cause it to cave in & there’ll be squirrels in my bed. #
• @KenJennings: Obituaries should say how close the dead person was to a free sandwich on all their punch cards. #
• @hereinid: Whoops. Forgot about Google Plus again. #
• @michaelianblack: 99% of you did not do as much mulching as I did today. I am the 1%. #
• @rneighbors: God loves me even when I don't forward those chain letters. #
• @9to5Life: Normal Friday, probably just gonna have a beer, hang out and rant on some Fraggle Rock message boards tonight. #
• @Leemanish: Interests include: repeatedly saying the phrase 'perfectly legal' in a thick Irish accent. #
• @SeanBlazed: Never wear a shirt you can't rip off in a sudden rage. #
• @vladchoc: Hard to believe that there are still tribes in remote parts of the world that haven't seen any of the Naked Gun movies yet. #
• Davin Gets His Pre-K Diploma http://t.co/yfxisy7s #
• @Leemanish: If you're in L.A., don't bother going to the Walgreens on Wilshire – nobody there wants any chili. #
• He's not just a spokesperson…he's also a client. [pic]: http://t.co/QRrvXhYi #
• @nedroid: Why did I pay extra for the kind of ceiling fans that can decapitate a person, why was that even an option?! #
• @vladchoc: One day I hope to have the self esteem required to make a double-decker sandwich for myself as a snack. #
• @blackbeltjonz: Johnny Cash probably went through a lot of lint rollers. #
• @eddiepepitone: to do list: 1) smile at psychopaths I work with. 2) strain yogurt for Det. Smith. 3) slowly, ever so slowly, love myself. #
• @sweet_toof: My passions include pumpernickel muffins, my Firebird, and enunciating the h in front of w in words like 'white' and 'whiz.' #
• @ChrisRRegan: What's the proper "resting" period after you remove the hot dogs from the boiling water? (Also, please DM wine pairings.) #
• Do need a large amount of mulch blown quickly? Call Sunrise of Nashville. No one blows mulch faster. [pic]: http://t.co/NyMRAOBq #
• @vladchoc: If this $16.99 collection of greatest hits from the past four decades doesn't make me happy nothing will. #
• @9to5Life: If your name starts with the letter T, there's a good chance you've unfriended me for calling you "T-Bone" a bazillion times. #
• Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who (cont) http://t.co/VdxQ0pOe #
• @vladchoc: Lowered my meds, looking through old yearbooks. Don't remember graduating with so many pasta dishes. These might be cookbooks. #
• Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the bosom of fools. Ecclesiastes 7:9 #
• @ToastyQuixote: I'd probably be teaching at Harvard by now if my mom had chosen to plan out my activities with the Mini Wheats guy. #
• @biorhythmist: I joke around on here a lot but I am just a regular guy with feelings, flaws, fins, flippers and a blowhole. #
• @MrGeorgeWallace: Gotta stop sleepin' w/ the TV on. Last night had a dream about meerkats runnin' a pawn shop w/ the Real Housewives of NJ. #
• @vladchoc: My 1st thought this morning was of a frog & a cat, both with sexy six pack abs, so no. I don't need drugs to have a good time. #
• @UNTRESOR: Ugh. I've gotta put on 10 more pounds if I'm gonna make banana hammock weight this season. #
• @OuterJohn: "Finally, add a dash of safron, a slice of lemon, empty dish in trash, & toss trash bag in the yard. Serves 8" -raccoon recipe #
• That's my girl! Cayton received an award for her participation in Chorus. (@ Spring Hill Elementary School) [pic]: http://t.co/MbrYctIq #
• For his anger is but for a moment, & his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes w/ the morning. Psalm 30:5 #
• @RowdyPrimate: I have pretty high hopes for my "Days Without Accident" line of men's underwear. Should be another Kickstarter success story. #
• @actionstern: So a doggy day care center isn't a day care center run by dogs? I better get my nephew back. #
• @jonathan_katz: A new breakfast cereal – Post apocalyptics with raisins. #
• @trumpetcake: Sitting atop a crane, reading Are You My Mother? through a megaphone. Gonna be a peach of a day! #
• @DennisDMZ: I'm trying to get into the Ranger-Devil game and guess who I saw outside the Garden scalping tickets? Elizabeth Warren! #
• @RowdyPrimate: Whatever doesn't kill you regrets not finishing the job for years afterward. #
• @tomwilliamsisme: 'How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.' #
• @CarlyCastle: Every time I log onto Twitter I whisper "Hey, weirdos." #
• @michaelianblack: Whole milk strains the same through pantyhose as skim milk. #
• @StevenAmiri: Guy Fieri seems a lot more mellow since leaving Insane Clown Posse. #
• @NowImworried: Now I'm worried that thanks to the Time Magazine cover kids will be breast fed until they're eleven. #
• @sweet_toof: "Maybe if I got in shape, chicks would think I'm hot," I think, as I reach for an itch in the upper patch of my back hair. #
• @mattob34: Travolta's camp slams the allegations, calling them "a complete fiction and fabrication." But enough about Scientology… #
• @PaulAldrichNow: …and Moses said unto the burning bush, "Here, I Am." And the bush said unto Moses, "How did you know my name?" #

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• @Hadzilla: I got my mom "me not being in prison" for Mother's Day. #
• @meganamram: 5 out of 5 dentists agree, I should stop pretending to be a dentist at this dentist office. #
• @eddiepepitone: The perfect time to scream "Fire" is when you wake up before that first cup of coffee. Namaste. #
• @mattob34: Really not looking forward to the cover of Time Magazine's Father's Day issue. #
• @richmckay: Scanning cans of chili at the grocery is probably the least exciting use of lasers we could've imagined when we were kids. #
• @hereinid: Now that I think about it,"Hey Dude! Let's Surf the Web!" isn't the best name for my next Ted talk. #
• @eddiepepitone: to do list: 1) inch closer to the phone to call police. 2) bury Al with new shovel. 3) sigh loudly for attention. #
• @MrGeorgeWallace: If I ever find the person who puts those stickers on my fruit. They're going down. #
• @OuterJohn: I'd say the best way to rip off a Band-Aid is quickly, by selling it a broken DVD player. #
• Fine-tuning Nanotech to Target Cancer http://t.co/cKqwG5V7 #
• @michaelianblack: Wake me when male ponytails are back in fashion. I don't want to live until that day. #
• @hereinid: When you go to bed tonight say a little prayer for all the people still planking out there. #
• How to Engage Your Customers and Employees http://t.co/tzvbHx38 #
• @NotMarkMangino: When this van is a rockin….I can't get out of the driver's seat!! #
• Foursquare looks to personalized coupons to generate revenue http://t.co/hUVkSKfD #
• 5 Steps CMOs Can Take To Make Social Media Work
  http://t.co/VB02okAx #
• 5 Steps CMOs Can Take To Make Social Media Work http://t.co/VB02okAx #
• @FranGillespie: Did you know you can refuse a ticket if the cop is wearing a pea coat? #
• @trumpetcake: Me and my jaywalking gang went wild last night. AND WE'RE STILL ON THE LOOSE!! #
• @DoubleBerg426: Halfway through the bag of chips, I wipe my greasy hand on my shirt and mutter, "I'm a princess." #
• @trumpetcake: Whenever my wife calls me childish I just rock faster on my hobby horse until she goes away. #
• @CarlyCastle: "You bought a shovel? But I dig holes for you. OMG are we breaking up? I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING." — My dog #
• @trumpetcake: I swam with the dolphins yesterday. Now my above ground pool is ruined. #
• @karencreets: If I was a super hero I'd be Lord of the snacks and I'd beat perpetrators with sausage nunchucks. #
• @DonSchanke: Either I'm really out of shape or they've made tricycles much more difficult to ride. #
• @Burgee66: I read that Gold's Gym opened up a location in Cuba. I'd hate to see the line for the rowing machine. #
• @CarlyCastle: We run full speed ahead as the ice cream truck drives away. One you trips & falls. I shout "LEAVE HER!!" & keep running. #
• RT If you've come close to getting into a fist fight w/ a Russian super-model over the correct lyrics to 'The Humpty Dance'. #
• @karencreets: We got a new mail guy today so I'm anxiously awaiting asking him, "does this smell like anthrax to you?" #
• @iRobulous: I would get into a knife fight for a Kit Kat bar. #
• @DonSchanke: My dog reminds me of a bean bag chair that's really into food. #
• @Midgetspar: If you love watching competitive sports, tape $5 bills to 100 Frisbee's and start tossing them under a bridge. #
• Claiming that you told folks you're a Native American to make friends was dumb, but..this..is..priceless…http://bit.ly/JesJ9J #

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• @actionstern: I don't forgive, but I do forget and I do forgive. #
• @actionstern: I can't believe the bank rejected the payment for my student loans. Those were my best Snapple caps. #
• RT This if you're living proof that FBI profilers are sometimes wrong. #
• @gavinspeiller: I bit the hand that feeds me. It was my own hand and it hurt. I feel stupid. #
• RT This if you're living proof that sometimes U.S. Marshalls don't check every hen house, dog house, out house…etc. #
• @actionstern: If Stephen Hawking opened a jar of pickles right now, it would be the most amazing thing he ever did. #
• @THEGaryBusey: 5 parts of my brain contain alien power, whatever I do or say cannot be denied on the intergalactic highway of existence. #
• RT @MrGeorgeWallace: Saturday night, y'all. Is it alright for fighting? Is it live? Is in another Saturday night and you ain't got nobody? #
• @RickyCarmona: I just talked to all of your moms. They said stop shaking what they gave you. Stop. #
• "The goal is not simply to connect these 4 'chips'…" http://t.co/EzNmuGGk #
• But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. Psalm 3:3 #
• @haurdCider: we've secretly replaced the parachute with skittles… #
• @hereinid: I hate to spring this on you but you signed on to be my army when you followed me. And we're invading Malta, like…now. #
• And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
  Col. 3:17 #
• RT @DanHannanMEP: 'Summum ius summa iniuria.' More law, less justice. Cicero #
• RT @BorowitzReport: The best way to support our troops in Afghanistan would be to bring them home from Afghanistan. #
• We'll be there till 2024!? – http://t.co/aB2rgx7X #
• RT @DennisDMZ: Elizabeth Warren is part Indian in the same way that the stripper chick who accepted Brando's Oscar was Sacagawea. #
• RT @gnomesdeplume: Anyone want to guess how much this emergency trip to the vet is going to cost? Winner gets a cat. #
• And now…Florist Humor: http://t.co/f1i3FwvV #
• "It's what we do…" http://t.co/iRanCb3i #
• And I check the African American Box hoping to get invited to BBQs – http://t.co/Zqztt9tT #
• RT @daveanthony: Is it called "Four Bankruptcies?" RT @realDonaldTrump: A great video of the launch of my new fragrance http://t.co/mdOMYVGU #
• Whoops – http://t.co/tKdh5mKx #
• RT @AlisonAgosti: When choosing the right online school for you, watch their commercials and make sure you like their raps about education. #
• RT @CarlyCastle: The shoe on the side of the road screams "YOU'VE NEVER PARTIED THIS HARD." #
• Do you know what your pickle is…? http://t.co/9071i97a #
• RT @ConanOBrien: Fool me once, shame on my personal fool-stopper, Reginald. #
• RT @MmeSurly: This tea is so sweet that it just knit each of my individual teeth its own little sweater. #
• RT @badbanana: Reading about the Senate's $11B bailout of the postal service. If this was 1991, I'd write an angry letter to someone. #
• RT @meganamram: I try not to beat live horses, either #
• RT @whatsucksblog: "I think Hitler said it best when he…" – the start of either the worst, or best wedding toast ever. #
• RT @DennisDMZ: I don't trust countries where they crowd surf the coffin at funerals. #
• RT @9to5Life: Did you know that every single Dave Matthews song is actually about Crystal Pepsi? Makes sense now, right? #
• RT @ConanOBrien: Why are people so impressed by wine cellars but so saddened by my Jagermeister crawlspace? #
• RT @CarlyCastle: In the Home Depot parking lot, standing on top of all this dirt I just bought & shouting "THIS IS MY LAND." #
• Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but (cont) http://t.co/bMUtp9Vo #
• RT @MmeSurly: Just saw a lone chicken bookin' it down a country road. Today is MAGIC. #
• RT @eddiepepitone: signs that things aren't going well- 1) your back is used as a surface to forge documents. 2) you ring bells & giggle. #
• RT @DennisDMZ: I just saw Gore say he will not rest until he perfects an eco-friendly napalm. #
• RT @CarlyCastle: My dog runs in slow motion towards the kitchen & yells "NOOOOOO!" as I toss a burrito into the garbage can. #
• This news link null was sent from a friend.

  Download Free Drudge Report from Android Market #

• RT @eddiepepitone: to do list: 1) rummage through blood bank receipts. 2) corner Mike and demand retribution. 3) file income tax for 1967. #
• Ron Paul supporters disseminate 'caucus voter guide' to guide votes his way… http://t.co/KTdJmn8Q #
• Anyone know of a Dry-Cleaner that remove expolded Meth Lab stains? http://t.co/IcJJFzGn #
• It's funny how dried mangos & peaches taste like…ugh, yuck…what is this shampoo? Yup. Shampoo. #
• I'm thinking about getting a tattoo…what is the Chinese symbol for 'embalming fluid'? #
• Hockey Facts: Five out of every six players inducted into the NHL Hall of Fame are vampires. #
• RT @OhhMikee: I've been cleaning my house for about the last hour, but all I think I accomplished was inhaling a dangerous amount of bleach. #
• RT @NowImworried: Now I'm worried that the arugula in my salad is poison ivy. #
• Hockey Facts: NHL coaches are required to fashion their own undergarments from bubble wrap & bee's wax. #

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• @meganamram: How do they fit so many islands into such a small bottle of dressing??!! #
• RT @badbanana: Good luck convincing me you care about privacy, Capital One, when your tagline is “What’s in your wallet?” #
• @RowdyPrimate: Middle age is a punishment that doesn’t fit the crime. #
• RT @9to5Life: I’ve been rubbing this toner cartridge on my stomach for three hours and Read the rest of this entry »

• RT @_PartySmasher: I just want to earn enough money to be able to put a leather jacket on a killer whale. #
• RT @HotEats: Feed a cold. Starve a fever. Emotionally-neglect a headache. Buy corduroys instead of cool school clothes for a stomach virus. #
• RT @FranGillespie: Every time my foot falls asleep I know Sylvester Stallone is planning a comeback. #
• RT @OuterJohn: ALWAYS follow your dreams, but wait until your dreams enter a Read the rest of this entry »

• @MrGeorgeWallace: I’m not gonna laugh at North Korea y’all. When my rocket falls apart mid-flight it’s a horrible feeling. #
• Like Zorro I mark my vanguished opponents with a ‘Z’…unlike Zorro I use my teeth instead of a sword. #
• @BillSleazy: the pockets of my cargo shorts contain smaller, more annoying pairs of cargo shorts. #
• @MrGeorgeWallace: “I have no idea, Officer. I brought her some Calgon. Then she just vanished.” #
• @eddiepepitone: to do list: 1) pry gun out of cold dead hands. 2) teach little timmy dance moves so he can Read the rest of this entry »

• RT @MrGeorgeWallace: Stop clubbin’ those Easter Seals y’all. This is their time. #
• RT @perlapell: Don’t be afraid to giggle in church today. God invented joy. Man invented “behaving”. #
• RT @GarryShandling: Talking to someone in person, face-to-face, really feels old-school. Especially, when you try to block them. #
• RT @HotEats: Call me crazy Alanis but if I had 10,000 spoons I’m not sure needing a knife is my biggest problem. #
• RT @MrGeorgeWallace: I’m like ‘Scarface’ but it’s all powdered sugar and Read the rest of this entry »

• I’m at Spring Hill (Spring Hill, Tennessee) http://t.co/PO8eye79 #
• Who said parking spaces on campus are hard to find? (@ Middle Tennessee State University w/ 2 others) [pic]: http://t.co/K5hbkSii #
• @NowImworried: Now I’m worried that the person dressed in the animal costume at the sports game isn’t getting enough air in there. #
• Wrapping up this meeting with the best roofing company in Middle TN…@TimLeeperRoof (@ Tim Leeper Roofing) http://t.co/oPoafRt6 #
• ICP made a movie called ‘Big Money Rustlas’…so suck on that James Cameron! #
• @KevinYeaux: “Condom-Nation Tour visits Southern University.” First time any condom has ever Read the rest of this entry »

• Obama Tries to Take Both Sides on the Keystone Pipeline Debate http://t.co/qrfA2ixP #
• RT @wheatnik: No one sucks at their job more than Tic Tac addicted ninjas. #
• RT @NowImworried: Now I’m worried that if I have to give a stranger the Heimlich they’ll sue me for sexual harassment. #
• No flash photography please…and…do not feed the animals. (@ Ihop w/ 3 others) [pic]: http://t.co/MQUiFlg6 #
• RT @wheatnik: Apparently, bees do not respect the ancient art of karate as much as Read the rest of this entry »

• RT @sgavinesq: Who does depression hurt? Not Gary at my old job. He used to sell Wellbutrin from his cubicle for $5/pill. #
• When we slum it in sin…our children pay the price right along side us. (@ Conduit Church) http://t.co/CXmd3v1k #
• @nickmangold Do you ever look at a QB’s knuckles & think, “Gross…I wouldn’t want those pressed against my Read the rest of this entry »